[Occasionally we’ll post messages from other contributors to the Wellbeing Elixir Newsletter. This message is from Jeff Cain – a colleague and friend who teaches at the University of Kentucky College of Pharmacy. We’ve had the pleasure of working with Jeff on several projects over the years. Jeff cares deeply about student wellbeing and he wanted to share this important message with you.]

We can’t read each other’s minds. And thus we often interpret the intent behind someone’s words or actions. Unfortunately, we are not very good at doing that. Luckily, although we cannot control what others do or say or intend, we can control how we respond.

What if our default response is: assume the best?

Assume the best intent in others around you. You will often be right, and even when you’re not, people can rise to your view of them. Not always, but enough.
         -Sallie Krawcheck

Earlier this year I listened to a podcast with moral psychologist and author, Jonathan Haidt about the factors that are contributing to a growing mental health crisis among young adults today. During the interview, the conversation turned to our penchant for finding offense, particularly from words, actions, or behaviors, even when there is no ill intent. This offense-finding phenomenon is how too many of us naturally navigate the world. Psychologists called this a hostile attribution bias which is “a general tendency to ascribe harmful or otherwise adverse intent to the ambiguous behavior of others.” That bias, when it controls your emotion, is self-destructive and can make you less happy. (Jasielska 2020) In the book, The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure, Haidt and his collaborator Greg Lukianof elaborates on what the default response should be when you’re unsure if something should offend you.

[I]t is not a good idea to start by assuming the worst about people and reading their action as uncharitably as possible. This is the [cognitive] distortion known as mind reading; if done habitually and negatively it is likely to lead to despair, anxiety, and a network of damaged relationships.
       -Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianof

You may recognize the following quote from the 1960 Disney Movie, Pollyanna: “If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.”

But the reverse is also true. If you look for the good in others expecting to find it, you surely will. Look deeper and slow down. Appearances and first impressions can be misleading. We may be deceived by what is “on the surface.” Buddhists use this analogy — The world is like muddy water. To see through it, we have to let things settle. We can’t be disturbed by initial appearances. If we are patient and still, the truth will be revealed.

What happens when our default response is to view others with positive intent? Our relationships are strengthened. We experience more fulfillment and joy. Sure, sometimes that might mean letting an offending party off the hook, but just like forgiveness, we are the benefactor.

Reflecting on my personal experiences, there have been times in my life when I’ve needed to consciously regulate an automatic negative reaction to a situation. But when I stepped back and altered my interpretation, remembering to view the person more positively, it always ended well.

Every.
Single.
Time.

 Assuming the best of others has:

• Freed me from defensiveness
• Reduced stress
• Improved my mood
• Allowed me to sleep better
• Allowed me to do my job better
• Improved my relationships

Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.

            -Indra Nooyi

When you find yourself defaulting toward being offended or believing someone has ill intent or is trying to take advantage of you, here are some steps you can take to re-focus.

1. Take a deep breath. (That helps with a lot of things!)
2. Resist the initial urge to counterattack or dismiss the other person.
3. Try to view the situation from outside your own body – preferably from the perspective of the other person, but at a minimum as an observant bystander.
4. If the ambiguity lingers, approach the person in a kind and gentle manner to clarify and uncover the intent.
5. Remember, you will gain the most if you assume the best.

Cheers-

Jeff Cain

Guest Author

References:

Jasielska D, Rogoza R, Russa MB, et al. Happiness and hostile attributions in a cross-cultural context: The importance of interdependence. Journal of Happiness Studies 2020. Advanced online publication: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-020-00224-w

Lukianoff G, Haidt J. The coddling of the American mind: How good intentions and bad ideas are setting up a generation for failure. New York City: Penguin Books, 2019. p 40.