Growing from Hardships, Setbacks, and Loss

The Steel Mill by Thomas Hart Benton, Oil on Canvas, 1930. Crystal Bridges Museum, Bentonville, Arkansas

Seena and I recently began leading a program, a 6-week seminar series, on well-being and resilience. It’s prompted me to think more deeply about what it means to be resilient. We all face adversity in our lives. Setbacks. Losses. If we’re fortunate, they are few and far between. If we are open and flexible, we can not only rebound but learn new skills and, with the tincture of time, find new meanings that enable us to thrive.

History has repeatedly shown that many of our greatest leaders faced hardships and losses — grave illnesses, physical disabilities, death of a spouse or child, losses in elections, public humiliation, and psychological trauma. I’m awed by people who have faced what seem like insurmountable challenges and, despite it all, grow into someone with an unshakeable core, deep convictions, and high purpose. Perhaps it’s not in spite of the adversity but rather because of the adversity that such growth was made possible. In other words, it is through our greatest challenges in life that we grow to become our best selves. While they are difficult and painful to face and no one should wish for them to happen, life’s greatest adversities can be a gift if we have the right tools.

Some Ingredients for Personal Growth

Acceptance

See the challenge as it is and set realistic expectations. Denial, pretending that nothing happened, thinking that everything is fine, is not healthy or helpful. Similarly, catastrophizing, thinking that this difficulty, this setback, is the beginning of a never-ending downward spiral leads to hopelessness. Neither is true. Yes, addressing the hardship will be difficult. Accept and acknowledge the adversity. Notice when you begin to ruminate in negative self-talk. This doesn’t mean you have to try to force only positive thoughts. But recognizing that failure is possible, and things might not turn out wonderful can, paradoxically, increase the odds of a positive outcome. Thus, accepting the circumstances as they are and setting realistic (low) expectations can empower you to meet the challenge. This is going to be really hard, but you can take productive action.

We should not try to escape from our pain. We should look at it directly. Looking at suffering deeply, we will have deep insight into its nature, and the path of transformation and health will present it self to us.
   -Thich Nhat Hanh

Optimism

Resilience requires accepting the reality of the present but also being optimistic about the future. Your present circumstances are challenging and difficult, but the future will be better. Pain and suffering are inevitable. Accepting that fact is perhaps the first step toward rebounding from loss. However, acceptance does not mean complacency. Rather, move forward with hope – knowing that, with time, you will adapt, learn, and grow from this experience.

Seeking Help

While there is a romantic notion that successful people “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps,” the reality is that resilient people ask for help when it’s needed. Research has repeatedly shown that appropriate help-seeking behaviors – knowing when to seek help – are associated with positive outcomes. Students, for example, who perform poorly on the first exam in a course and seek help are far more likely to perform well than students who don’t. Unfortunately, the students who perform the poorest often don’t seek help – perhaps due to denial or catastrophizing – and they are the most likely to fail. (Karabenick & Dembo 2011) Resilient people are pretty good about sizing up when they need help and when they don’t. So many people do the opposite. They don’t ask for help when they really need it but ask for help when they really need to figure things out on their own.

Strong Social Connections

Sharing a challenge with someone that you trust lightens the burden. But it requires that you develop strong social connections and a community of support in the good times. Close friends, your spouse, your children, and work colleagues can be critical sources of strength that can help you face the worst of times. Knowing that you are not alone can give you the courage to tackle big problems. Talking through your feelings can relieve grief and anger. Athletes who share a challenge can push one another to do more. A community of support can not only hold you up when times are tough but are available to you when you can’t manage things by yourself. Sharing difficult moments can bring people closer.

Rest

Your body and mind need time to rest, even when everything in your life is going well. That’s why so many religious and wisdom traditions recommend a day of rest every week, like Shabbat or the Sabbath. But when you suffer a significant loss or setback, stress depletes your energy, and periods of rest are perhaps even more important. As Brad Stulberg and Steven Magness state in their book Peak Performance stress plus rest = growth. If you have been a high performer all your life, you may be reluctant to slow down and rest. You may want to push through it. To double down. But if you fail to rest, to step away, to spend some time in solitude, your physical and mental reserves may become too depleted. Without rest, it can worsen the injury. Moreover, stress reduces your ability to “think straight.” You become more prone to mistakes of judgment. Less likely to learn from our experience. More likely to act on impulse.

Patience

When we experience a loss or a major setback in our lives, we often look for an answer — we want to find an explanation to find a solution. But if you try too hard, go too fast, you can prematurely settle for something that might bring a quick fix but doesn’t provide enduring benefits. Trying to force something can actually prolong your recovery. Be wary of reflexively reacting just to do something, anything, to make the situation better — rushing headfirst into something unwise. For example, rushing into a new romantic relationship after a breakup or quitting your job after a professional setback. Likewise, striving too hard for an outcome can lead to frustration and disappointment if things don’t happen as fast as you’d hoped. Pause, process, plan, and then proceed. Take your time. Let the solutions emerge.

Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?
    -Lao Tzu

Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. We all have a tendency to focus on the negative about what we did … or failed to do. The more harshly you judge yourself after a setback, the longer it will take to recover. Having negative thoughts, kicking yourself for not succeeding or not living up to your ideal, is not productive. Shame and guilt are not helpful. Let yourself off the hook, be open, and take productive action.

Productive Action and Agency

While we all need periods of restoration, it is equally important to engage in productive action. To focus our minds and effort on doing something meaningful. Productive action will increase your sense of agency, mastery, and self-efficacy. Taking action on those things you can control and seeing the result of those efforts is a basic human need. But trauma and loss can leave you feeling unmoored — unsure of what to do and even how to do it. Eventually, you may need to push yourself toward productive action. You don’t need to feel good to get going. You need to get going, and then you’ll feel good. It’s like the workouts you dread doing in the morning, but once you get started, the endorphins kick in, you’re glad you took action. Pushing yourself to carry out your daily routines and building toward tackling a meaningful project can bring back a sense of meaning and purpose.

Flexibility

In good times and bad, being able to adjust your thoughts and actions, seeing things from different perspectives, and reframing your thinking will bring more peace and happiness into your life. New facts emerge; circumstances change. If you can’t adapt to them — if you forge onward, unable to adjust — you are no better than a robot. The point is not to have an iron will but to be adaptable, use reason to clarify perceptions, and act effectively for the right purpose. It’s not weak to change and adapt. Flexibility combined with acceptance and productive action is what makes us resilient.

If you need some music to help you bounce back from a hardship, loss, or setback, check out the Wellbeing Elixir playlist on Spotify.

Open Spotify. Open Search. Use Camera to Scan.

Reference: Karabenick SA & Dembo MH. Understanding and facilitating self-regulated help-seeking. New Directions for Teaching and Learning 2011; 126: 33-43.

Cheers-

Stuart