Becoming Your Best Self

As I get older, I periodically think about whether I’m living up to my full potential – becoming my best self. Is it something to be achieved? Is there some “endpoint” when you know you’ve arrived? In Buddhism, this transcendent state is called Nirvana. Paradoxically, if one strives to achieve Nirvana, it becomes more elusive. So, perhaps our best self is not something that is achieved but rather practiced every day.

At some point in your life, you’ve probably learned about Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which is often depicted as a pyramid that looks like this:

At the very bottom of this pyramid are our basic physical needs. Food, shelter. The next level of this metaphorical pyramid is safety – a sense that our physical needs will be met and threats of harm are unlikely. Most of us who live in first-world countries don’t have to think very much about our basic needs and often feel reasonably secure that our basic needs will continue to be met. Hopefully, you don’t need to spend your time many days worrying about your basic physical and safety needs. If so, be sure to attend to those first.

Loving and belonging come next. Our connection with people is so critically important. We all need to learn how to develop stable, positive, intimate relationships. It is in these relationships that we feel safe expressing our feelings and experiences. And vice versa, others feel safe to share their feelings with us. We need to receive love. But, perhaps, more importantly, we need to give love. We all need to belong to social groups where we feel accepted. We need to laugh and have fun with others. We need to give and receive acts of kindness. We need to know that others welcome us.

Next comes esteem. The need to feel that we are not only welcomed, but we are held in high regard by others. That we have something useful and important to contribute. All of us need to develop a sense of self-worth and mastery. We need to believe we’re worthy. This get’s tricky because the judgment of others, particularly the people most important to us, factor into our feelings of self-worth. When other people hold us in high regard and like us, our self-esteem is bolstered. Thus, it’s important to develop positive relationships with people who enhance, rather than diminish, our self-esteem. In addition, we all need to feel that we are competent and able to contribute to the common good. Often this is through our work. Thus, mastery is another important aspect of our lives. If we are able to consistently achieve our goals, we feel more confident and competent … and this creates success spirals.

Most of us spend our young lives focusing our attention on and addressing these needs. If we’re fortunate, we approach the top of the pyramid and begin the process of self-actualization.

At this stage in the climb, exploration – taking on new challenges and learning – can help us become our best selves. We explore by discovering new places and new relationships. That’s why travel can be so invigorating. And why meeting new people with whom we share things in common but also from whom we gain new perspectives is so up-lifting. Exploration is also about new intellectual challenges, being open to new experiences, and increasing our understanding of the world around us.

In becoming our best selves, we identify and act on our core values, like truth or justice, and commit to things that we believe have a high purpose. Contributing to our community in ways that advance the common good — making the world a better place. Pursuing goals that we believe are important — goals that resonate deep within us — contributes to our sense of wellbeing far more than acquiring money, power, or popularity.

Awe is the emotion of self-transcendence.
–Jonathan Haidt

Finally, peak experiences – moments of awe and wonder – help us live the good life. Peak experiences often occur when we have a deep connection to humanity, the world, the universe. We are inspired by vastness … by eternity … by beauty. These experiences often provoke feelings of joy and serenity. And linger in our memories.

Maslow’s hierarchy includes the key ingredients for a good life. But it seems to me there is something misleading about the pyramid metaphor. It suggests that once we achieve one level, we’re ready to move to the next. Like playing a video game – certain achievements are needed to progress to the next level. But that’s not really what happens. We don’t master one level and move on. For example, while my physical and safety needs are often met, sometimes I get hungry. Like really hungry. And it starts to impact my thinking … and my emotions. Until I meet that need, I’m not living my best life. And sometimes, my safety feels threatened. When that tornado warning comes through on the NOAA weather radio, I’m not thinking about how to develop some really great lesson plan … or savoring memories of my last vacation. Thus, the needs depicted in the pyramid are not milestones that, once achieved, never need to be considered again.

Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible.
–Thich Nhat Hanh

This insight has some important implications about what it means to become our best selves. It suggests that nothing is permanent. You can’t “set it and forget it.” Your physical wellbeing, your relationships, your reputation – any and all of your needs might be threatened, diminished, or taken away at any time. That’s scary. But here’s the good news – nothing is permanent. Sure, some needs are easier to address than others, but we all have agency. We can take action, and we can change. Including our thoughts. Our mindset. And we have the capacity to learn, grow, and adapt.

Living up to our full potential is not like climbing a mountain. You don’t suddenly reach the peak one day. No, I think the good life is more like an elixir – it is made up of a few key ingredients mixed together in a solution. As a pharmacist, that’s a metaphor that speaks to me. Getting the “right” mixture requires titrating and balancing the ingredients. Of course, you might be given some ingredients that have been adulterated. And, invariably, some ingredients will be volatile and easily evaporate. Or things might morph into something unexpected when mixed. But you can add new ingredients to your elixir … and you can filter it to get rid of impurities. And because you are consuming your elixir, you’ll need to make new batches. But, through your lived experiences as well as some education and training, you can influence the elixir you create. 

Self-actualization cannot be attained if it is made an end in itself, but only as a side effect …
-Vicktor Frankl

Becoming your best self is about seeking opportunities to connect and explore, committing to something of high purpose and value, and being open to experiencing awe. It is not about constantly striving for happiness, or health, or personal growth. The paradox is that self-actualization and transcendence do not eliminate hardship, frustration, or uncertainty. But it can change your perceptions of them.

Cheers-

Stuart